“Conflict is part of love and relationships,” says relationship expert Esther Perel.
I adore Esther’s work, so I wanted to share her two timely tips the next time you find yourself lost
in a conflict and forgetting what you’re actually fighting about, whether at home or at work.
I shared her first tip in my last post, looking at both the circumstances and the personalities.
Find her second tip below.
Know what you’re actually fighting about – it may not be what you think it is
Huh? Say more!
You may think you’re fighting about why your partner didn’t take out the garbage … again.
Or on the work front, why your team mate handed in his report late …. again. But ster Perel would likely disagree with you.
She maintains we tend to fight about three things:
- Care and closeness
- Respect and recognition
- Power and control
Intrigued?
I made you a handy-dandy chart that explains:
- What we are really fighting about
- What we are fighting for
- What it looks like with both a personal and a professional example
- What it really means
| What are we fighting about | What we are fighting for | What we say – personal and professional examples | What it really means |
| Care and closeness | Can I trust you? Do you have my back? | I can’t believe you didn’t take out the garbage … again. I can’t believe you were late submitting the report … again. | I can’t rely on you, you don’t do what you say you’re going to do. I can’t trust you. |
| Respect and recognition | Do you value me? | Why didn’t you take out the garbage?! Why didn’t you submit the report on time?! You’re making all of us look bad, especially me. | I don’t feel valued or respected; you don’t value me. |
| Power and control | Whose priorities matter more? | Why should I have to take out the garbage? Why should I have to chase after you for the report? I have more than enough on my plate without having to babysit you. | I’ve had no power my whole life, don’t try to control me. You’re putting your priorities above mine. |
How do we figure out what the conflict is really about?
Great question. The next time you’re smack dab in the middle of a conflict that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, pause before your claws come out (e.g., you say something you regret) and take a moment to figure out if you’re actually in a conflict over one of these three:
- care and closeness
- respect and recognition
- power and control
Identifying what the conflict is really about, and you’re more than halfway towards moving towards a resolution.
Perspective is everything. The next time you’re in a conflict rememer Esther Perel’s two top tips:
- Look at how you’re probably automatically giving yourself grace and blaming your circumstances. And then look at the other person, you’re probably blaming their character and not giving grace for circumstances.
- Dig deep to find out what you’re really conflicted over. Hint: it’s not really about not taking out the garbage or the late work report.
Now go on and learn, laugh, and lead
Learn
- Check out another critical skill: Massaging almonds – a critical skill for conflict resolution, communication, teaching, and more
Laugh
- Flip the switch and a whole newperspective, like this contestant gaming the judges in a singing competition. Watch til the end. You won’t believe what she does.
Lead
- Conflict tends to blur our perspective. Find out more about your natural perspective- what comes onto your radar easily and naturally, and what you miss. Take my free Life Lenses® personality assessment.
P.S.
- Have a burning topic that you’d love to share with the world or your corner of it? Not sure where to start? Check out my Transformative Trainers Academy – for game changers like you who want to learn how to design and deliver world-changing workshops that wow. Join our global online community membership program now. We’re waiting with open arms.
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