The Simple Question That Made Me Cry in a French Hospital

I was in a French hospital getting a CT scan, and I knew I’d have to get contrast dye injected first, which meant getting a needle. 

Even typing that word makes my skin quiver, my heart want to leap into my mouth, and my stomach go slightly nauseous.

Then things went up a whole other level when I realized the room where I had to get the insert-horrible-word-here was nowhere near the actual CT scan room. 

I genuinely wasn’t sure my legs would carry me from one to the other.

Because yes, I’m pretty over-the-top fearful of insert-horrible-word-here.

I was about as vulnerable as a person can feel. Somewhere between a panic attack, a flashback, and a hot flash, all rolled into one horrible sensation.

And then this behemoth of a man (seriously, he had to be 6’3″) named Valentine asked me a question I will never forget.

I’m 60 years old. I’ve had my fair share of insert-horrible-word-here moments. No health care worker has ever asked me this, not even while watching me writhe uncomfortably waiting for the insert-horrible-word-here.

The question wasn’t complicated. It wasn’t a magic cure. It simply went straight to my heart, brought tears to my eyes, and left me literally speechless.

What was the question?

Good question 🙂

Valentine asked, “What can I do to help you feel more comfortable?”

With a handful of simple words, he made me feel seen, recognized, and just a little less awful, horrible, terrible, no good, very bad.

Which, of course, got me thinking of you, dear reader, and how this moment could turn into something useful for both of us.

In these troubled times, when decency sometimes seems to have gone out the window with the bathwater, it can take something really, really simple, like the question Valentine asked, to bring it back.

I got through the scan and sat still for a while, waiting for my quivering legs to hold me again. Then I treated myself. I was in France, after all.

I bought a (very good) hot chocolate from the hospital vending machine and smiled to myself when I started the car, as the Bluetooth connected and an ABBA song came on. Perfect.

Then I stopped at a boulangerie for a sweet treat (clearly sugar is part of my self-care plan, don’t come for me). 

Then I went to my new friend Lek’s house. I’d told her about the procedure and warned her I might be a bit wobbly. We sat in her beautiful garden while my nerves slowly stretched out and returned to normal.

The Solution

Here’s what I want you to take from Valentine, whether you’re leading a training room, running a team meeting, or sitting across from a friend having a hard day.

You don’t need the perfect words. You don’t need to fix anything. You just need to ask:

“What can I do to help you feel more comfortable?”

That’s it. A short, simple question that does three things at once:

• Acknowledges that the person in front of you is having a hard moment, without you having to guess what kind.
• Hands back control. Fear and discomfort often come from feeling powerless. This question puts a little power back in the other person’s hands.
• Costs you nothing and takes three seconds to say.

Try it the next time a friend looks overwhelmed. Try it the next time a colleague seems off in a meeting. Try it the next time someone you love is quietly struggling, and you don’t know what to say. 

You don’t have to solve it. You just have to ask.

(That plus your version of hot chocolate, boulangerie, ABBA and time with a friend.)

The Payoff

Valentine didn’t need a script, a certification, or a communication framework to make me feel human again. He just asked. 

If this kind of small, powerful shift is your thing, you’ll find a lot more of it over in the Working Better Together archive, where I dig into the “soft skills” that turn out to be the hardest ones.

Take Action Now – go on and learn, laugh, and lead

Learn

• Keep these words in your back pocket for the next time someone in your world looks uncomfortable: “What can I do to help you feel more comfortable?”

Laugh

• I will never not laugh at the universe’s timing: heart still pounding from a CT scan, and ABBA waiting for me the second I turn the key.

Lead

• Next time you’re the one running the room (a training, a meeting, a hard conversation at home), be a Valentine. Ask the question. Then listen to the answer.

P.S.

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Since 2009, I’ve been writing weekly posts across five topics. Click into whichever one makes you lean forward just now … you’ll find everything I’ve written on that topic waiting for you there.

• Working Better Together – communication, conflict, creativity, collaboration, change. The so-called soft skills that turn out to be the hardest ones.
• Learning and Development – practical tools and fresh thinking for your own growth … because you deserve the same attention you give everyone else.
• Training of Trainers – if you’ve ever been asked to teach, train, or share your expertise with a group, this one’s for you.
• Tech Tools – not the scary kind, I promise. The kind that saves time, cuts overwhelm, and makes you look and feel like a rockstar.
• Life Lenses® – because the lens you look through changes everything. Posts on perspective, perception, and the Life Lenses® framework for understanding why we all see things so differently.