It’s my partner’s birthday. His 60th. We’ve been together for 36 years, more than half our lives.
And during that time, we’ve faced our fair share of conflict.
What’s been more illuminating is how much he’s taught me about conflict resolution.
We’ve had to bend and flex, not just over the subject of the conflict but the very way we go about resolving the conflict.
Which isn’t surprising. If you’re a sentient, breathing human in a relationship, you’re going to have conflict.
“Conflict is part of love and relationships,” says relationship expert Esther Perel.
And family, of course, isn’t the only arena for conflict to rear its head. Workplace conflict is common.
Which is why I wanted to share Esther Perel’s two timely tips the next time you find yourself lost in a conflict and forgetting what you’re actually fighting about, whether at home or at work.
I’ll share her first tip below and the second one in my next post.
1. Look at both the circumstances and the personalities
We call this the Fundamental attribution error.
Which is a fancy way of saying, where does the error lie? In me or in my circumstances?
When we’re looking at ourselves, we tend to be automatic grace-givers.
I’m complex. When I’m late, there are circumstances in my life that make me late. It’s circumstantial.
But when the other person is late, it’s a character flaw. We jump to the conclusion, “You don’t care about me, you’re selfish. You have a character flaw.” We withhold grace.
How do we look at both the circumstances and the personalities?
Perspective is everything.
The next time you’re in a conflict, look at how you’re probably automatically giving yourself grace and blaming your circumstances.
And then look at the other person, you’re probably blaming their character and not giving grace for circumstances.
Flip the switch
- Look at what parts of your personality could be contributing to the conflict.
- And look at what from the context of your sparring partner/conflicter could be contributing to the conflict
Your perspective will very likely shift.
And that’s a good thing.
Stay tuned for next week’s post with Esther Perel’s wise words and second tip. Hint: it’s not really about not taking out the garbage or the report that’s late.
Now go on and learn, laugh, and lead
Learn
- Check out another conflict resolution tool that I designed: How to RISE together with this simple conflict resolution tool
Laugh
- See the incomparable Esther Perel in action.
Lead
- Conflict tends to blur our perspective. Which only exacerbates the conflict. Find out more about your natural perspective- what comes onto your radar easily and naturally, and what you miss. Take my free Life Lenses® personality assessment.
P.S.
- Have a burning topic that you’d love to share with the world or your corner of it? Not sure where to start? Check out my Transformative Trainers Academy – for game changers like you who want to learn how to design and deliver world-changing workshops that wow. Join our global online community membership program now. We’re waiting with open arms.
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