There’s a two-year-old living in my left hand. Wild hair, icing smeared across her cheeks, no shoes, running around with absolutely zero sense of direction.
In my right hand is a dictator. Ramrod straight spine, a face that alternates between judgmental and stern, with a spine of steel that doesn’t yield, bend, or flex.
I talk to both of them. Regularly. On purpose.
Stick with me, because by the end of this post, you’ll have a tool for the next time you’re stuck: uncertain, torn, or simply not sure what you’re feeling or what to do next.
Here we go.
I’m moving a lot.
I lived in Kenya for fourteen years until recently. Now I’m spending time in both France and Turkey. I’m Canadian by birth. All of this means “home” has never been a fixed point on a map for me; it’s more of a moving target.
Lately, that target has felt further away than usual. New systems, new languages, new bureaucracy (ask me about the French driver’s license process sometime; actually don’t, it’ll take a while).
It’s an uncertain season, the good kind of uncertain and the exhausting kind, often both in the same afternoon.
When I hit moments like this, I stop and consult my two-year-old. I visualize her standing in my left palm.
Like right now, she’s standing stock still, arms up, asking for a hug. She’s genuinely happy. This life chapter is an adventure that she leans into. But she’s also uncertain. She needs reassurance.
Then I check in with the dictator. She’s standing in my right palm, spine locked, arms crossed, berating me for not having “sucked it up” yet. But underneath the sternness, if I look closely, there’s a flicker of quiet pride. She’s noticed I’ve kept going through all this ambiguity.
In addition to my two-year-old and dictator, lately, I’ve started adding a third voice: the sage.
She’s the one who takes what the other two are showing me and digs a bit deeper. She’s the source of inner wisdom, that soft knowing (sometimes so soft I can’t hear it). She’s learned from every hard-won lesson, noticed when things have gone both right and stingingly wrong, and chalked up all that wisdom.
In this case, the sage softly suggests that I celebrate the wins, the adventures galore I’ve been having. To feel real gratitude that the work continues and continues to feel deeply satisfying. And to give myself grace, real grace, when fatigue hits, or a big decision looms (yes, including the driver’s license saga).
With three very different characters, I get a clearer picture of what I actually need and want and how I feel.
The Solution
This isn’t something I invented. It comes from Martha Beck, who talks about the wild child and the dictator as two forces most of us are managing at once, one pulling toward freedom and joy, the other toward control and self-discipline. I’ve used her framework for years and recently added a third character of my own.
Here’s how to try it: next time you’re facing a decision, feeling foggy about your own emotions, or just don’t know what step to take next.
1. Pause. Not a long meditation retreat, just a breath and a beat of quiet.
2. Meet your wild child. Picture her standing in one of your palms. Don’t overthink it, just let her show up. What is she doing? How does she look? How is she feeling?
BTW, if you don’t naturally picture things in your mind’s eye, that’s completely fine; plenty of people don’t. Instead, ask yourself the same questions in words: if my inner two-year-old could describe how she’s feeling right now in one sentence, what would she say? Or simply notice where you feel something physically, a lightness in your chest, a knot in your stomach- and let that be your signal.
3. Meet your dictator. Same process, other hand (or, same questions, different voice in your head). Is he tense? Are his arms crossed? Is there anything underneath the sternness, resentment, worry, even pride?
4. Bring in the sage. This is the newest addition for me, and it’s become the most useful. Because she’s the one who has learned from every hard-won lesson, she’s got a lot to tell you and show you. Ask her: What do these two other voices need me to know? What do I do with what they’re showing me?
5. Act on what you hear. Sometimes it’s a small thing: more rest, a kinder inner voice. Sometimes it’s a genuinely useful nudge toward the actual decision you’re facing.
The whole thing takes minutes. But the clarity it hands you is worth far more than the time it costs.
The Payoff
If this kind of internal check-in feels useful, you’ll likely find even more value in getting to know your Life Lenses®, the deeper, more consistent patterns behind how you see the world, make decisions, and respond under pressure. Where the wild child, dictator, and sage are a quick in-the-moment check-in, your Life Lenses® show you the lens you’re wearing most of the time, and why.
Take the Life Lenses® assessment here and see what’s shaping your view.
Take Action Now – go on and learn, laugh, and lead
Learn
- Try the wild child, dictator, and sage check-in the next time you’re stuck on a decision, big or small.
Laugh
- Somewhere in France right now, a bureaucrat is holding my driver’s license exchange application. My dictator has thoughts. After all, it’s not like I’m a 7-year-old in search of a slushy.
Lead
- Next time someone on your team seems torn or uncertain, ask them what their “wild child,” “dictator,” and “sage” would each say. It might unlock more than a straightforward question would.
P.S.
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Since 2009, I’ve been writing weekly posts across five topics. Click into whichever one makes you lean forward just now … you’ll find everything I’ve written on that topic waiting for you there.
- Working Better Together – communication, conflict, creativity, collaboration, change. The so-called soft skills that turn out to be the hardest ones.
- Learning and Development – practical tools and fresh thinking for your own growth … because you deserve the same attention you give everyone else.
- Training of Trainers – if you’ve ever been asked to teach, train, or share your expertise with a group, this one’s for you.
- Tech Tools – not the scary kind, I promise. The kind that saves time, cuts overwhelm, and makes you look and feel like a rockstar.
- Life Lenses® – because the lens you look through changes everything. Posts on perspective, perception, and the Life Lenses® framework for understanding why we all see things so differently.
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